Monday, January 23, 2006


I so miss the outdoors activities of my Tahoe days! There where always plenty of people who wanted to go skiing or snowboarding in the winter. Even if I went to the slopes alone, I never had to take many runs by my self. There are so many friendly skiers on the slopes to hang with. Or just sit and catch a tan and talk to people by the lunch hangout in the middle of the slope. And I do have a thing for skiers I must admit. If I see a guy on the slopes: I’m usually sold right away. There have been some unpleasant surprises though when meeting these cool skiers in the hot-tub at the local gym. People who look good in ski-gear are not necessarily hot in shorts…

Or take hiking. Tahoe is one of the most gorgeous places I’ve ever been to, and even the small and easy hikes are amazing. And living in Tahoe, you are surrounded by people who are happy to go hiking with you. Any day of the week actually, since most folks there work in the tourist industry and have “weekend” on all kinds of days of the week. Such a difference from being in Sweden. You have to have known the person for at least three generations before you can ask if they want to go hiking with you. Or you are being looked upon as a total wacko for imposing on other people’s spare time. I’m serious!

Biking is another thing I miss. Biking I don’t mind doing on my own since you can’t speak a lot when you bike anyway. My challenge is my sense of directions. Or lack thereof rather. Tahoe was easy. There is like one road around Lake Tahoe and one road that goes to Truckee. Not even I can get lost there! And for the Flume trail and other cool rides: I went with friends. And another good thing is that I started the ride from my house. No getting the bikes into the car and driving somewhere. Here in Stockholm I would feel very silly on a mountain-bike until I reached the outskirts. Stockholm people ride city bikes in the city. Dressed in suits and mini skirts. Not in helmets and bike pants all sweaty like I do. I know, I know: it’s ok to be different. But it’s boring to be extremely different and not having someone to chit-chat and plan the trip with. So for now I’m letting my mom borrow my new mountain-bike with good chocks. She lives in the country ofcourse.

So why do I absolutely want to live in a city? Because it’s fantastic! Although my image might be that I’m a sporty person: I actually suck at sports. My genetic composition is perfect for sports, and that’s probably why I can get a way with that image (until I have to fess up…). I can’t STAND being around people who only have one interest and one interest only. At least not for a long time (a few years’ tops…). It’s fascinating with talented people and almost regardless of the talent: it’s quite alluring actually. But not if it’s the same thing day out and day in. I want all my senses to be stimulated. Challenge me with new music, old literature, fancy art, crazy plays, exhausting jogging laps and a million other things! I’m talking to myself here ofcours. There is not going to be anyone else that will give me these challenges. I have to seek them out by myself, some with help of friends, some alone. Isn’t that the biggest challenge of all: living and knowing that you are on your own. If you don’t do it: it’s not going to happen.

When do I get to take a break from life?!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

good stuff

There are strong indications that 2006 will be a good year! Although I had a rocky start with Simon’s cyst and some personal stuff where it turned out that I was more curious of what might develop if we took a good friendship to unknown grounds, than what my friend was. Apparently feelings are something you can plan if you are a man. There is a pre-determined path that should be taken and not be deviated from. One should be so lucky! Or maybe not? What’s the use of living if you know how it’s going to turn out anyway? It’s like reading the last page of a book: you don’t need to read the whole book if all you wanted to know is how it ended. I want to learn something every day. Learning is a wide concept and what I mean by that here is just that I don’t want to be bored. On the other hand, he might just have said that instead of what we all probably think to ourselves when we reject someone: you are ugly and boring. Not getting that in my face is probably one of the signs that 2006 will be a good year ;-) And besides: I’m a grown-up. All I can do is try to treat people with respect as well as respect myself. What’s done is done and can never be repaired, but as grown-ups there is always the polite acquaintance alternative! And I’m pretty good at that. As long as you know that a friendly gesture is just that: nice things friends do or say, it has nothing to do with deeper feelings. And that men don’t consider intimacy something you only have with people you like. Then you are ok. Life is definitely not boring…

So what do I base my 2006 prophecy on?! Quite a few things actually, including but not limited to the following:

  • Simon’s surgery went well. He is so much spunkier after this surgery than what he was after the ferocious dog-fight last summer.
  • Two of the kindest and most good-hearted people I know gave birth do daughters in December. Very much longed-for children will be taken care of by their parents in 2006.
  • Two of my good friends have met and moved in with, or are moving in with good men this year. These girls are cool, friendly, professional, and kind-hearted and where single despite this for a very long time.
    And here I’m talking about being single when you don’t want to be. When you have passed the stage of being happy about:
    being free, “allowed” to flirt anyone, not having to take someone else’s feelings or time in consideration, not having to spend so much money on food as you have to do when you live with a man, get all the covers in bed, not have to argue about cleaning routines or money, not going crazy when he wants to watch some TV show you don’t like etc.
    No, it’s when you reach the point when you wish you had someone to:
    eat breakfast with and discuss the editorials in the morning paper with, sleep embraced by, go on vacation with and who wants to experience moments and places with you, have passionate se x with, love enough to have children with, do everyday stuff with etc. That’s the kind of single I’m talking about. Now they can look forward to discovering all kinds of things about themselves, their men and couple-hood in 2006. Exciting and fun!
  • One of my fantastic, strong, creative friends has reached another level with her man. I get the feeling that they are more synchronized and have come to understand that even if they have miscommunications etc, it’s worth working through because of the reward you get from being in a healthy, loving relationship where both parties give and take and let the other person be unique. Their love for one another is a strong indication that 2006 will be a good year.
  • My sister’s oldest daughter can now speak and that she does! Listening to her and hearing what she has to say is going to make 2006 wonderful! Her little sister will be there shortly as well. Can’t wait!
  • Last but not least: I still have single friends who knows what I’m talking about and is out to have a good time, can comfort a sister in need, is up for a night of crappy TV, can discuss art and literature etc. The list could go on forever.

To sum it up: lots of good stuff is in the air!

Monday, January 16, 2006


I’m a cynic. Hope is the last thing a person looses”. What a bunch of crap. Waste of time if you ask me. Well not if you are buried under an avalanche: then hope is a good thing to hold on to I guess. But why misuse your energy if you’re not under an avalanche?! Just spending valuable efforts on hoping? What good is that going to do you? Instead of hoping to get that job, do everything you can to get it! There is always something more that can be done. What good does it do to hope to make it in time for the theater? Work on it instead: run, take a cab, or call someone. Either you make it or you don’t. Hoping does not make you come any further. Don’t waste your energy on hopes! Or hoping that this guy likes you. Ask him and get it over with! You should know though: if you have to ask if someone have feelings for you: the answer will be NO. If they do: you won’t have to ask. But don’t just sit there and hope for Pete’s sake! That is the realistic cynical in me talking.

And then there is Simon. My wonderful companion for 13+ years has a malign cyst. Everything just went blank when the Vet told me. I could not eat, not sleep, not think. This little guy has been with me through so many good and bad times. More than any man has. One of the things I miss when I’m single is not having a lover (=someone I love on many levels) to share moments with. But the truth is that Simon has been there most of the times actually. So he doesn’t speak and he’s not very good in public. He never cleans or brings cash to the household. He doesn’t read books and don’t seam to care for music. But he is there. He wiggles his tail and is happy to see me each time I meet him. I can be happy, sad, beautiful or ugly: he doesn’t care. He’s still happy to se me. And so many times has he shown, in a way I can only interpret that he considers me he’s special person. Like when my x-husband moved in with a new girlfriend. Simon didn’t “hear” when she called him. He pretended she wasn’t there. When she tried to pet him when I was there, he turned away from her and looked at me. As the instigator he is, he rallied up her dog to get into trouble. Finally they called me and said they couldn’t stand him any longer. And he was back with me again. Only one year apart.

Simon travels with me, he helps me select dates (he is very picky), he make sure I get exercise, he let me sleep when I’m sick and make me get up early when I’m well. I don’t know what to do if the operation isn’t successful. I can not imagine my life without Simon. So now the only thing I can do is hope. Hope that the cyst hasn’t spread, hope that he isn’t too old to recover, hope that the Vet has a good day, hope that Simon comes home to me again and live healthy for many more years. So even a cynic becomes a softie sometimes. Even a toughened heart is vulnerable.

Monday, January 09, 2006


It’s finally over! No more holidays for a while. Don’t get me wrong: I love Christmas. If it was up to me: we would be singing “Jingle bells” from November on! There is no such thing as too much decorations either! At least not in stores and on commercial streets is my view on the whole thing. Don’t have too much of it myself though. Changing continent tree times the last decade as well as housing a million times, does not provide the best conditions for saving up a lot of Christmas decorations. It does put me in such a good mood to buy – or on rare occasions: make – Christmas presents, wrap them up and hand them out! Every now and then I’ve been known to go overboard a little bit actually. One year I worked at Nordstrom’s over the holidays on top of my “real” job as an accounting manager. They give their employees a nice discount. Don’t know why they bothered to give me a check each pay-day though, since I turned around and spent it all at Nordstrom’s anyway. I think my near and dear-ones (and me!) got more than they had expected that year and Nordstrom was the happy provider. Same with the year I spent abroad the last three months of that year. It gave me quite a nice per diem allowance to spend on presents that Christmas as well. It fills my heart with joy to spend all my money on presents and wrap them up in nice packages! Although I always curse my habit the following months when I hardly have money for bills and food. Not sure why it always comes as a surprise to me that if I spend all my money: I won’t have any. The years when money is scarce, I still spend a lot of effort on wrapping the presents. That is half the pleasure actually: listening to Christmas music, eating goodies and wrapping gifts. My room-mate Simon must find it odd that I sit on the floor for so long, because he wants to lean on me the whole time. This means that all the gifts have black-lab hair taped to them. Or maybe he just wants to contribute to the gifts as well. Although I DO write his name on the “from” box on most of them anyway.

One of the downsides of being single on Christmas is the sleeping arrangements. If you don’t come with a couple of kids and a husband, or at least a boyfriend: it’s sofa city over the holidays for you my dear! Or some horrid spare bed they pull out from under the garage or something. I scored this year though: I was the only guest for the first two days. I got to sleep in the guestroom with the best bed those nights! Peace and quiet and a room all to my self. I had time to finish two whole books before the other guests arrived.

Another thing I don’t understand is why couples have to argue at Christmas. Single people miss having someone to open presents with on Christmas morning or evening, depending on the country, but the people who DO have someone to kiss and unwrap presents with: they argue. What’s wrong with this picture?!

And then there is New Years. I asked some newfound friends in my position (30+, single, all-round, cheerful etc) how they viewed the evening to come. They all agreed: rather alone on a tropical beach, than being at a party and being the only one that didn’t have someone to kiss at midnight. If my job didn’t require me to work 24-7 around the holidays: I would have been on that beach with a strong rum-drink (filled with umbrellas), listening to the waves in the dark. Hmmmm! I did the next best thing though: ate six course meal until 2am with some good friends. Not too shabby ;-)

I usually don’t make New Years resolutions. Don’t think I have too many bad habits to kick. Or maybe I just don’t care if I do. But I did think of something though: This year I promise not to make the same mistakes again. I will make them differently! I will try to get into my thick head that if I have done something the same way over and over: I will not get another outcome the next time I do it. I have to change my ways. Since I start a new job in March, it will be a terrific opportunity to change the way I work. To keep the New Year’s resolution, I have to work smarter and not harder (I stole that from a workshop!). Maybe I have to find something outside work that requires my attention as well. And I’m not going to fall for the same men I already fell for in previous years. (They would have to come up with something that is different if I was to fall for them again…). I am so tired of living the life of re-runs! No more déjà vu for me. It’s time to write my own script for this sitcom called “Life”. Now, if I only knew what I wanted it to be about…