light

It’s like I’m preparing for my deathbed or something. When in fact it’s just my forties-birthday that is coming up. I’m trying not to equate forty to do being dead.

During my Tahoe years I loved having all my friends around on my birthday, making sure that everybody partied more than they ever had before. This of course resulted in that it was not just I who got shit-faced and did things we had to regret for a looooong time after. But it’s all good! At least when I think back on it. So much fun and so much crazy stuff that went down. Good friends. When I moved to San Francisco it got more serious. I did lots of fun and crazy things on weekends with new friends, but I didn’t have the same safety net as I did in Tahoe, so I always made sure I stayed in control. (Except when I passed out after 4-5 Long Islands on a second date. I woke up 12 hrs later with all my clothes on in his bed. Did not feel so much in control then. Come to think about it: none of our dates after that where in control either.)

So gradually I’ve gone from truly celebrating on to finally not even tell anyone that it is my birthday. Well that changed this year. After I took my final exam for the Executive MBA I realise that I now have the rest of my life to do what ever I want. What a fantastic feeling! The door is open and life is waiting for me to participate. Friends I haven’t seen nor talked to in 10, 15 and 20 years popped into my mind. After some research I got a hold of the four girls I was looking for. It was so nice to hear their voices. Like not a day had past. Their good hearts and friendliness was still there. Why had I not taken the time to call them before? When I look back on the past 20 years or so, there is so much pain and hard work even though I have had a lot of fun and happy times as well. I’m sure life is like that to everyone, but I think if I had faced my fears earlier in life, if I had had better guidance, I might have seen more happy times than pain. It’s time to embrace today and start living. And I’m glad I realised this before my deathbed. Bring on the party!

And that brings me to the next subject: dating. I am still seeing one of the guys from the netting period. The one who made me feel the most relaxed and comfortable and laughed with me the most. I don’t have to “control” what I say or what I do when I’m with him. Let’s call him Iceman from now on.

A lot of men are provoked by me. Not sure why. But if a man wants to brag or compete (I call it participating in a rooster fight) I am - too quickly for my own good – instantly in the game “fighting” back. Guys who do not bring this side out in me or who do not get provoked by me I usually fall for. To me it means that they are safe enough in themselves not to have to compete. That is extremely sexy if you ask me. So obviously Iceman does not get provoked. And he manages to tell what things he does not like or not accept without offending or degrading. I’ve been thinking of how he does this. I think it is because he doesn’t express values in his dislikes: it’s merely an opinion. Does that make sense?

It’s just that it’s like having a “boyfriend light”. He travels for work and travels for play on an average five days in a week. The other two we do spend together. You can have fun, be nice, have a tidy home, eat good food and talk about interesting things with a person you only see twice a week. How do you know if it’s a person you could stand for a long time?! I don’t! But for now: I’m enjoying my “boyfriend light” and I’m planning for my big 4-0. And I’ve missed you all in Blogland!