Hope

I’m a cynic. Hope is the last thing a person looses”. What a bunch of crap. Waste of time if you ask me. Well not if you are buried under an avalanche: then hope is a good thing to hold on to I guess. But why misuse your energy if you’re not under an avalanche?! Just spending valuable efforts on hoping? What good is that going to do you? Instead of hoping to get that job, do everything you can to get it! There is always something more that can be done. What good does it do to hope to make it in time for the theater? Work on it instead: run, take a cab, or call someone. Either you make it or you don’t. Hoping does not make you come any further. Don’t waste your energy on hopes! Or hoping that this guy likes you. Ask him and get it over with! You should know though: if you have to ask if someone have feelings for you: the answer will be NO. If they do: you won’t have to ask. But don’t just sit there and hope for Pete’s sake! That is the realistic cynical in me talking.

And then there is Simon. My wonderful companion for 13+ years has a malign cyst. Everything just went blank when the Vet told me. I could not eat, not sleep, not think. This little guy has been with me through so many good and bad times. More than any man has. One of the things I miss when I’m single is not having a lover (=someone I love on many levels) to share moments with. But the truth is that Simon has been there most of the times actually. So he doesn’t speak and he’s not very good in public. He never cleans or brings cash to the household. He doesn’t read books and don’t seam to care for music. But he is there. He wiggles his tail and is happy to see me each time I meet him. I can be happy, sad, beautiful or ugly: he doesn’t care. He’s still happy to se me. And so many times has he shown, in a way I can only interpret that he considers me he’s special person. Like when my x-husband moved in with a new girlfriend. Simon didn’t “hear” when she called him. He pretended she wasn’t there. When she tried to pet him when I was there, he turned away from her and looked at me. As the instigator he is, he rallied up her dog to get into trouble. Finally they called me and said they couldn’t stand him any longer. And he was back with me again. Only one year apart.

Simon travels with me, he helps me select dates (he is very picky), he make sure I get exercise, he let me sleep when I’m sick and make me get up early when I’m well. I don’t know what to do if the operation isn’t successful. I can not imagine my life without Simon. So now the only thing I can do is hope. Hope that the cyst hasn’t spread, hope that he isn’t too old to recover, hope that the Vet has a good day, hope that Simon comes home to me again and live healthy for many more years. So even a cynic becomes a softie sometimes. Even a toughened heart is vulnerable.