patience

Patience is a virtue. Power of action is as well. You just have to know when to use one or the other. I consider myself a very patient person in many ways. There are some occasions when I’m not patient though; instead I make sure the change take place at once. Or at least as fast as it can be done. I’m talking about changing jobs, changing continents, changing hair color and changing men. Other than that I do believe I’m considered to be a very levelheaded and calm person.

Disclaimer: if you do not like to read about “female stuff”, quit reading now.

Some things you can’t rush though. There is nothing you can do to speed up the process. I’m talking about children. When Iceman and I decided that we are open to have kids, I had in my mind that this would take place at once. So the morning after, I ran off to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. I was devastated when I read that you can take the test no sooner than after the first day of your expected period – maybe up to three days before, but that too was very uncertain. Well if you don’t get your period, you probably don’t need an expensive test to tell you – huh! Jeeeze what a stupid thing! And it turns out, the day you at the earliest can find out that you are indeed pregnant: you are considered to be four weeks into your pregnancy. Insane!

This bummed me out. I wanted to know at once. It didn’t make things easier that you can’t get pregnant every day of the month either. How people get pregnant by mistake when it’s so complicated is a mystery to me. Most of us do know how babies are made.

As with most female-only complaints/diseases, there hasn’t been an abundant of money spent on research on PMS and menstrual cramps. Since my cramps make me spend half a day trembling in cold sweat and pain on the bathroom floor, I have eaten birth control pills for years. I was told that that is the only thing that truly helps. And it does! However, the amount of estrogen in those is at much higher doses than that given to women at menopause, which are now being debated if it’s healthy or not. So for years I have been given myself unhealthy amount of estrogen?!

I decided to have a checkup to make sure I could indeed have children. The OBYGYN told me that she can’t see if I can have children or not, she can only tell me that everything looks normal. The full fertility investigation can be done at a private clinic until you are 41-42 years old. The Swedish free healthcare system doesn’t do the fertility investigations after the age of 37 and you have had to try actively for two years prior to that. Tried to get pregnant that is. The things they don’t tell you in school! Usually I’m upset that when you take accounting as your major, no one tells you that if you work with accounting, you will never be able to take a long Christmas/New Years vacation since that’s a normal year-end closing or at least a month-end closing time. And for some reason most national holidays are also so that you can’t enjoy the extra day off, due to month-end closing. But what I found out now was worse: you better fall in love with a suitable man looong before you turn 35 if you want children. Or you have to chance it big time! So many of my friends have not found a man they love and they are also over 35. Why didn’t anyone tell us?!

So here I was. 40+ and feeling very nervous knowing that there was nothing I could do to speed up the process, there was no place I could turn to help me clinically right this minute (even the private clinics require a long time of trying before getting their help). All I could do was to take care of myself, stay calm and wait. Patience is a virtue.

It turned out well.

(the kids in the pic are my sister's)

Scotland

For our first thirty nine and a half years – we didn’t even meet. We had no idea of each others existence either. And then we start seeing each other for six months. Now a week apart feels like an eternity! Especially for me since I have “out of site out of mind” tendencies. Thank Heavens for text messaging! There is no way I’ll forget Iceman on a short week apart. Strange how easy it is to get used to (addicted to?) sleeping next to another person. But I am pissed as hell that he will not attend my graduation ceremony in Edinburgh though. I was not clear enough that I did want him to be there (in fact I didn’t say that at all) so he is going climbing in Italy with friends while I’m in Scotland. As Opera Soloist told me: “don’t punish him for something he does not know”, so I can’t really be pissed at him – but I can however nag about it on my blog! Love this venting! It’s easier to act mature in real life this way.

Short Voluptuous Friend (SVF) and I took off for Scotland to go biking – or cycling as they say there. What a wonderful country! All men are hunks! (or I’m just ovulating…). I’m sure it’s because Iceman has a touch of red in his beard that I now have a red-beard-radar and it was going on high in the Highlands, that’s for sure.

Since SVF and I started our vacation in a MTB park we were surrounded by sporty hunks. The trip there from Edinburgh was like something out of an old Twilight Zone episode (at least I kept hearing that music). SVF and I were dressed in our biking-gear (cycling for you Britts) and boarded a buss full of old people. They where all dressed up in very classy outfits, the ladies had make-up tastefully applied on their lily white skin (all British women seam to have perfect lily white skin as if it has never ever seen a ray of sun), and there where no ware to sit but on the floor. Could this be the right bus?! Turned out that old people like to have “a day out” and took the bus to Peebles which is right before you get to the Glentress forest. Oh and there where no bus stops once you where out of the city. You had to waive the bus down in order to get on. We had asked if the bus went to Glentress so the driver had written a note and attached to the steering wheel in order to remember to let us off there.

Yes we had rented top of the line mountain bikes and did some tracks for two days. We did not manage to get quite as muddy as most of the other riders though. We’ll charge more next time.

Back to Edinburgh and Graduation ceremony with a garden party. There is nothing like drinking champagne before lunch! My mom and her husband, my sister and her oldest daughter was there with me as was Short Voluptuous Friend. It’s such a big moment and it was even more important when I got to share it with people I love.

Not only are the men good looking and the women have beautiful complexion, but the Scottish people where all so nice and accommodating as well. If you haven’t been to Scotland yet: go! There is the weather though. A group of Italian tourists asked the front desk at their hotel if they knew what the weather forecast was. “It’s going to rain all summer” was his reply. Not a very selling one I might add. We didn’t get as much rain as they had “promised” though. SVF even got a sun burn – she has some British blood and that explains the sun burn more than the weather however.

This fun place we found to eat at was called Two Thin Laddies. Rustic looking interior – sort of like you would find in Tahoe City – and excellent food with large servings. The delicious looking chocolate cakes hade notes on them: “made by the step-mothers” and they looked and tasted homemade! Art was hanging all over the walls to look at and to buy. I was going to until I saw the descriptive text of what the artist had meant with the paintings. Not at all what I saw them as. Could be a good idea to let art be just art: let the beholder judge what it mean. Write a book if you want to TELL it instead.

Our last three days we went up to Pitlochry and stayed at the Poplars. The bike rental place we used had given us nice rout suggestions with maps and even detailed information of when to turn and so on. The bikes had these cool computer things on them that could do all kinds of things even if we just used them for time and distance – oh and speed of course! We could have used the detailed information if we really wanted to, but then we wouldn’t have been as lost as we now managed to get. Two days we went biking and both days we got lost. After riding a hill up on the lowest possible gear on a very narrow and winding road (not sure if cars could fit on it) we reached the top and where rewarded with a fantastic down hill ride for about twenty minutes (it took one hour to ride up the way we came). When we where finally down and so ready to find a place to eat we realise that we are miles and mils off from where we thought we were. Very low blood sugar level now. It was time to “walk that extra mile”. We rode on a visible bike path close to the A9 until we reached the only place where they took American Express in this part of Scotland. Ignoring etiquette, SVF and I bought all food we could get our hands on and sat in the dining room with our dirty bike clothes, helmets and raincoats next to us and ate like we had never seen food before.

Well back at Poplars and its awesome hospitality again, we decided to let the bikes rest for the reminder of our Scotland stay.

And tomorrow I get to snuggle up with Iceman again!

life

The cab driver drove better than I could have asked for! Like a maniac that is. In and out of lanes, speeding up at each yellow light, driving really close to cars in front that didn’t move out of his lane fast enough. Very much the same way I would have driven actually, only his knuckles weren’t white and he didn’t yell “idiot” at the – well – idiots who didn’t move out of his way, the way I would have. How can someone drive so aggressive and look so calm at the same time?! And it turned out that he was half deaf as well, so nothing seamed to disturb him.

And then it hit me: I’m not ready to die yet. It was such a happy realisation! I hope that for most people it’s such a given that they don’t ever even think about it. But there have been times in my life when dying didn’t seam like such a bad idea or simply so that I was ready for it. You know when you think back at all the fun and fantastic stuff you have done. I’ve met so many nice and interesting people, I’ve done a lot of things that I never thought I would and seen so many places. It didn’t feel like a waste of life if I died. Or at times when things where bad like the years when my body was 95% covered with oozing, itching, aching rashes for example – dying didn’t seam like such a bad alternative. But today I have more things I want to do, more days to experience things. What a wonderful feeling that is!

sad

When is it time to realise that you are defeated? That the happiness you thought you were worth actually does not belong to you. You are your own worst enemy and once again you made sure you lost. When is that time? Or do you have the strength to stand up and fight for what you want? Can you find that within? Would you survive if you went back to being miserable? Is it worth dying for? Ask yourself these questions before you consider yourself defeated.

weekend

Since it’s not really every day business for me to attend celebrity parties, I was stoked to be invited to this one! Probably good that it was in a country where I don’t know who the celebrities are, or I would probably have made an ever bigger fool out of myself.

After spending a lovely day and a half at my friend’s beach house, we raised in to town to get ready for the Oscar equivalent of stage art. Not sure why I thought tanning without sunscreen was a good idea. Anyone who has ever tried to put on party make-up on a red – almost swollen – face knows that sunscreen is a party queen’s best friend. I forgot. My friend Opera Soloist and I caked on layers with ID make-up on our freshly tanned faces. It’s the inside that counts anyway – right…

All of Copenhagen’s sidewalks seam to be made of cobblestones. Thankfully we had changed into walking shoes on the walk (read: sprint) there. I had used some of Opera Soloist perfume and as we hurried over the cobblestones in our nice dresses (I had borrowed my friend’s and it was a bit too snug over my lungs) I kept sensing the nice perfume. The whole experience was so nice I later bought the same perfume and it’s like I’m back at that moment when I wear it.

We sneaked in the stage entrance in order to avoid the press. As you might understand, it was not me who needed to avoid the press. We hurried to Opera Soloist’s husband’s dressing room to change into hour nice shoes and make sure the lipstick was on.

The seats where amongst the whole opera ensemble which was cool so that I got to meet Opera Soloist’s co-workers and get a feeling for what her work environment is.

The gala was broadcasted live. It was hotter than Hell in the theatre. The whole thing was in Danish – a language I do not understand. My dress was a tad tight and my face was burning. Her husband does his number. He’s a good looking man with a fantastic voice. Finally there is a pause. We get cava to drink and mingle with the Danish stage celebs. What do you think sparkling wine dose to me at this stage?

We go back to listen to second half of the nominees. It is difficult for me to keep my eyes open. I’ve already taken my shoes off and tucked one of my legs under my bottom (a very nice way to sit in a dress – or not) when I notice that the darn camera keeps circulating by us quite a lot. It does not always have the red light on which I assume (hope?!) is the indication of whether it is filming or not. Aaaaand… I’m gone. Nodding off. Thank Heavens I don’t know anyone in Denmark who might be watching this now!

When the whole thing is over we run back stage to where the party is. I notice that my strapless bra is showing a bit. And Opera Soloist is pretty much flashing everybody if she turns in a certain way. What to do. More wine! Let’s drink until we don’t care!

Just as I’ve red in Swedish gossip magazines, there is plenty of food at the party. We walk along the tables and load stuff on to our plates. As I get to the end where the cheeses are, I put my plate down. The Brie is so perfect it looks like it has melted! My mouth is watering by now. I put the last of my cheese on the plate and top it off with some grapes. As I do this the whole plate falls to the ground. Food on the entire floor and on my shoes. We start kicking it under the table and I grab a new plate to make a new round. What is a girl to do?

The evening continued and all the nice Danish people tried to speak so that I could understand. There was enough gossip material to make a Greys Anatomy stage art version.

All good things come to an end and it was time for us to walk home. My plane back to Stockholm left at lunchtime the day after. Unfortunately the plane left at the same time as my management meeting in Stockholm started. I had given a heads up that “I might not make it in time for the meeting”. That was an understatement! The GM called me an hour later when I’m in the cab from the airport. They had been waiting for me. It’s nice that they think it’s important that I’m there, but I did not want to leave Denmark and Opera Soloist.

Our parents knew each other. We used to hang until we were 17-18 something. It was eleven years since we last saw each other. When she picked me up at the airport we both started crying. The next day and a half we spent just the two of us. It is so fantastic with a person who knows everything about me and I know all about her and there is no judgment and no denial. We know more about each other than our current closest friends or anyone else for that matter. It opened places in my heart and soul that I have hidden for such a long time. It was as if time was a clear gel and we could touch it, feel it and be in it.

It’s not going to be another eleven years until we meet again.

light

It’s like I’m preparing for my deathbed or something. When in fact it’s just my forties-birthday that is coming up. I’m trying not to equate forty to do being dead.

During my Tahoe years I loved having all my friends around on my birthday, making sure that everybody partied more than they ever had before. This of course resulted in that it was not just I who got shit-faced and did things we had to regret for a looooong time after. But it’s all good! At least when I think back on it. So much fun and so much crazy stuff that went down. Good friends. When I moved to San Francisco it got more serious. I did lots of fun and crazy things on weekends with new friends, but I didn’t have the same safety net as I did in Tahoe, so I always made sure I stayed in control. (Except when I passed out after 4-5 Long Islands on a second date. I woke up 12 hrs later with all my clothes on in his bed. Did not feel so much in control then. Come to think about it: none of our dates after that where in control either.)

So gradually I’ve gone from truly celebrating on to finally not even tell anyone that it is my birthday. Well that changed this year. After I took my final exam for the Executive MBA I realise that I now have the rest of my life to do what ever I want. What a fantastic feeling! The door is open and life is waiting for me to participate. Friends I haven’t seen nor talked to in 10, 15 and 20 years popped into my mind. After some research I got a hold of the four girls I was looking for. It was so nice to hear their voices. Like not a day had past. Their good hearts and friendliness was still there. Why had I not taken the time to call them before? When I look back on the past 20 years or so, there is so much pain and hard work even though I have had a lot of fun and happy times as well. I’m sure life is like that to everyone, but I think if I had faced my fears earlier in life, if I had had better guidance, I might have seen more happy times than pain. It’s time to embrace today and start living. And I’m glad I realised this before my deathbed. Bring on the party!

And that brings me to the next subject: dating. I am still seeing one of the guys from the netting period. The one who made me feel the most relaxed and comfortable and laughed with me the most. I don’t have to “control” what I say or what I do when I’m with him. Let’s call him Iceman from now on.

A lot of men are provoked by me. Not sure why. But if a man wants to brag or compete (I call it participating in a rooster fight) I am - too quickly for my own good – instantly in the game “fighting” back. Guys who do not bring this side out in me or who do not get provoked by me I usually fall for. To me it means that they are safe enough in themselves not to have to compete. That is extremely sexy if you ask me. So obviously Iceman does not get provoked. And he manages to tell what things he does not like or not accept without offending or degrading. I’ve been thinking of how he does this. I think it is because he doesn’t express values in his dislikes: it’s merely an opinion. Does that make sense?

It’s just that it’s like having a “boyfriend light”. He travels for work and travels for play on an average five days in a week. The other two we do spend together. You can have fun, be nice, have a tidy home, eat good food and talk about interesting things with a person you only see twice a week. How do you know if it’s a person you could stand for a long time?! I don’t! But for now: I’m enjoying my “boyfriend light” and I’m planning for my big 4-0. And I’ve missed you all in Blogland!

will date for food

”As long as you’re not doing the nasty: you can date as many as you want”. That’s what the COO of “my” San Francisco company told me when I asked her what she thought about dating more than one. (I’m sure she meant doing the “lovely” of course) Her advice is ringing in my ears as I’m “netting” with a bunch of men all at once these days.

I noticed that internet dating is a great place to select on qualities you don’t find out at once. Or should I say: qualities you don’t see because you get blinded by something else. Some men I met before I reject them, some I only spoke to on the phone before I dissed them. In normal life I try to give everybody a second chance, but since there is so many to choose from in cyberspace, I can let my narrow-minded side take over and drop everybody with a dialect for instance. (did I just admit to that?!). And some just got the old fashion – ignore. They can do the same back to me. We are in each others The Batchelor and The Batchelorett show. Who will get the last rose?

What qualities are important in a partner? Certain things I fall for will be of no importance at all once you get to know the guy if he turns out to be rude or stupid in any other way. What I have learned about myself though is if the guy takes me to a nice restaurant or cook an incredible meal for me: I won’t notice anything else: I’ll just be in heaven. I’m a sucker for good food! Unless he fiddles too long with his wallet when the bill comes in. I’ll whip out my credit card and pay the whole thing. And that will be the first and last date with him. And this is true although I’m born and raised in a country which prides in having the most equality between men and women in the world.

To me it’s a gesture to pay at the first date. I am struggling with this. How can I both demand that the man have to show this gesture and still want to be equal? In Sweden’s largest (?) daily newspaper there was an article stating that the traditional marriage - where the man is older and the woman younger and probably does not make as much money – is the reason why we will never be equal. The “cure” is for women to marry younger men who have not reached as high in their career yet. They are more apt to stay at home with the children since it’s usually who makes the least that stays home with the children in Sweden (we do get paid 9 months but only up to a certain - quite low - level). I do have this in the back of my mind as I’m dating around.

I’m now down to a couple of finalists. One who I know will be happy to pick up the kids from school. Another one will assure I get to drink champagne in Rome and Paris on the weekends. A third will get me out on the slopes much more often than I’ve been going the past ten years. They all like exclusive foods, they exercise and play the guitar (and want children). That’s basically all the criteria’s I had as mandatory…

Or wait! Did I forget something? Am I supposed to feel giddy and happy when I’m with the man of choice as well?! One more week of dating and after that I’m “shutting down” for a month of studying for that final MBA exam! I might not be as ready for a relationship as I thought I was.