dance
The dance we do with other people. Sometimes it’s so frustrating! If you are the defender, I’ll almost automatically take upon me the roll as the accuser. Or if you are the one crying, I’ll be the detached and objective one. And just as how you twirl in dancing, changing the balance from the right foot to the left: the roles we have will change to the opposites, sometimes during the same conversation even. Why is this? Where did the “grown-up” and compassionate personality go? Like it is with my close circle of good friends: we “see” each other, give encouragement, praise and advice. When one of us is about to do something that will hurt herself: we do make her aware but try not to judge. None of us is stealing attention from someone else and doesn’t hog the entire conversation or its topics. Why is it so hard to be as loving with family, love interests and sometimes even with people of less importance to me? Or do I get easily provoked and that is why I can’t always be the understanding and forgiving person that I like when I am? And I’m not saying that everything should necessarily be forgiven, and I don’t claim to understand everybody out there (very few actually), but still. So many more issues would be solved if both parties could listen to each others points and both give and get. Don’t se it as being a winner in an argument, because you probably lost something in the process. Or you made another person lose some of his/her self-respect. That is one expensive victory. This is something to consider in these times of war as well. What can we do to compromise with out feeling like one of the parties is a looser? We can’t all get along, but maybe we can leave alone more. Might seam like petty little words from a person living in a small - and thus far – pretty safe country. But it’s on my mind.
It’s funny how some people make us feel. I always tell my friends that the person they are interested in is the “right one” if he/she makes you like whom you are. Now when I think about it: that is true for friends and even for work places as well. I have a job where I feel that everything I know and have done is an asset. And with some friends I like who I am and others just makes me feel ugly and boring. So strange. It’s still just me.
posted by Åsa @ 8:25 AM
19 Comments:
the ingredients are on the "im exhausted" post :-)
"that the person they are interested in is the “right one” if he/she makes you like whom you are" - i like that
I think it's important to edify and lift someone's spirits, as oppose to bring them down and drain their energy.
This post made me think about my own relationships with my partner, my friends and my family... And have you ever noticed, that with each person in your life, your personality alters just a little bit? It's interesting. I know I have a different personality with each person. Not DRASTICALLY, but I act one way with one person, and another with someone else.
Then again, I probably need more meds for all my alter egos!
Great post!!! So thought provoking!!! I'm going to have to read this again... Whenever I read posts like these, I have to do a one over.
Love your writing my little Swedish sweetie!!!!!!
It's not just you. I have reationships (especially with my family) like some of what you describe. Relationships can be so hard!
TTD: thanks! I’ll look for it again then. Glad you found something to “bring with you” from my post.
Deb: Oh I so agree! I adopt a different personality with most everybody from what it seams. Not intentionally though. Just yesterday I ran into my close friend on the train home from work. I was with a colleague and she was with a colleague of hers. It was funny because first it took both of us a while to realize that it was us, and after a few polite words and introducing our co-workers, we went back to talking to the colleagues until they left the train. Don’t want to share too much of the latest dating news with my colleagues, and neither me nor my friend needed to hear each other talk about the weather. Talk about multi-personality disorder!
I’m happy the content gave you something!
Diane: I’m waiting for that friction-free relationship. Even me and my darling Simon (my pooch) head-but from time to time for crying out loud! So I’m thinking it’s not going to happen.
Life is full of frustrations – big ones and small ones. Essentially, frustration can be defined in one of two ways. First, frustration is the blocking of a goal. It can be as minor as not being able to think of a word you want to use in conversation. On the other hand, it could involve a stroke, which leaves you unable to walk or talk.
Sam: ”frustration is the blocking of a goal” – that is profound! Do you find arguments easier to solve by seeing it this way? I like the way it sounds, but I have to do some thinking in order to se how it can further me. Or is it meant to be an explanation rather than a tool? Glad you stopped by!
You have very thought provoking posts Asa. You must be a genius! The basecamp analogy just blew me away it was so deep and true.
D Shark: Glad my thoughts are doing something for you (they sure are messing me up!)
I'm confused. Who are you 'dancing' with? A friend? Family members? A lover (or potential lover)?
Whoever it is, you left out one key component to the dance:
Someone has to lead.
This perceived dance, then, might be one of power. Who's leading? Who's being led? If there's a struggle for dominance, you might be more on guard than you are with those with whom there is, by mutual agreement, no leader, or at least a mutally-agreed power structure.
I find those dances exhausting. I have to dance them in my professional life, on occasion. I try to avoid relationships like that in my private life.
And if someone is making you feel ugly and boring, you're giving them too much power over you. You can either accept those feelings or reject them.
And remember that feelings are just that--feelings. They aren't real.
You don't seem ugly and boring to me.
Yeharr
Ooooh! I didn't see this photo! Did you put it up at a later date? LOVE it! And of course, would love to be there drinking a glass of wine with you! :)
Balloon Pirate: The dance I do is usually with a love interest or close family. And I think you are on to something: it’s a dominance question. That in itself is a problem though. Why would a relationship be about power? Sounds like you have it solved – by having a clear “leader” or by not needing one? Maybe it’s about maturity in the relationship? Maturity and being comfortable with who you are? A wise boss I had once said to me “Åsa, when you have three children you can’t fight. Things just have to work”, when I asked if him and his wife argued about who would pick up the boys from soccer practice etc (they are both in demanding career positions). The power struggle is not there if the couple has a mutual goal. Maybe? Or is that too simple?
Even if feelings are just that: feelings, they can still be powerful. My challenge is how to shake off the “wrong” ones. A work in progress I guess. Thanks for not thinking I seem ugly and boring anyway. I’m trying not to measure my self by other people’s opinions, but it’s still nice to get good feedback.
Deb! Blogger wouldn’t let me post it for the longest time. Finally I got on with Mozilla Firefox and it worked at once. Glad you like it! It’s so nice to see the fog on the glass from the cold wine. You should have come sailing with us! We would have dominated the conversations (and not talked about technical stuff for even a minute)! There was so much wine on that boat that was left alone. WHY?!
Wayne: I’m still wondering who buy those posters?! Are there enough people with bad taste or enough money to buy it just for fun? Hmmm…. Maybe I should get one. I need some color in my office and it would be a definite ice breaker!
I think it's a mistake to think that the power struggle will never be there. I think the trick is recognizing it when it arises. And if your partner also does that, so much the better. Solving a problem is so much easier when everyone involved is honest about their egos and intentions.
I think the same thing goes with feelings of inadequacy, or negative feelings in general. One thing I try to do is limit my exposure to situations and people that make me feel bad. If it's job-related, I can't do much about it, but certainly in what I laughingly call my spare time, I avoid them.
And I recognize that the feelings will come, sometimes of their own accord. I don't 'shake them off,' though. Why waste the energy, when it's so much easier just to let them go?
Yeharr
Balloon Pirate. First off: it seams like you spend some time thinking about “soft” things (how ever to describe it). I like that.
It would be great to be in any kind of relationship where both parties where aware of (!) and honest about their egos and intentions.
And I have also come to the conclusion that my own time is too valuable to spend with people I don’t really like. So now I just have to figure out a way to “faze out” these people in a polite way. I’m not good at ending things.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts (or should I say wisdom…).
Of course, invite the alcoholic to the boat party....(hehe) We would have dominated the conversation......as well as the delicious looking wine!
I couldn't upload photos for the longest time. Now I found, that I can only upload photos---BEFORE posting any text on the screen. If I post text---the photo will not go through. Weird, right?
Anyway, just wanted to say hi and see what you were up to chicky!
So true, Asa! I used to be a competitive rock climber. Rock climbing with a partner is about as intimate a relationship as you can find. There were some very nice people I climbed with who somehow didn't make me feel good about myself. I don't know why. They said all the right encouraging things like "You can do it, Elizabeth!" But, when I climbed with them, I climbed pitifully. There were others who made me feel good to just be around them. With them, I climbed like a sports star.
There didn't seem to be a lot of logic to it, either. One of my favorite climbing partners was Russian and barely spoke English. I don't speak any Russian. We communicated mostly with hand signals. But whenever he convinced me to climb a route that was 10 times harder than anything I'd ever done before - which was often - he would say, "You can dooo eet, Eeelizabet!" And I'd do it. Every time.
Makes you realize that relationships are SO much more than what's said, so much more than what's on paper.
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